Friday, August 27, 2010

A Question for Parents

I have an adopted daughter who will be 12 soon. She is taller than me and out weighs me at this point. She can be very aggressive and this morning when I would do what she asked me to do for her, she shoved me and left the house, later to return and hide. My question is, what type of discipline would you use to deter aggressive behavior. Her bio father is a violent man, bio sibs tend to be aggressive, one is my son, 2 other we have contact with but she never lived with. I left this situation with a, your grounded until I am calm enough to make a decision on your discipline, so any suggestions. This is not the first time she has slapped me but I have recently had some health issues and I con not let her continue to be aggressive, I have younger children in the home and will not have one of my children set the example that it is OK to hit Mom.


Blogger Christine said...

In our home, when you have hurt someone (even with your voice, face, etc.), you repair that later by putting love back into them.

My 14-yr-old with PTSD took out his triggers on me recently with much yelling and threats. He earned five hours of "make mom happy by pouring love back into her." That has included little tasks that I'd just rather not do. By doing them, he is actually putting love into me!

He cleaned out the very old and moldy jar of too-old raw milk. He took the trash out for me today. He will actually do some of my laundry for me. TOTALLY gives love back to me, and gives him a very tangible way to "fix" the hurt that he caused.

In the beginning, I kept those repairs as short and quick as possible after the hurt, or they would just build up and build up and that's all he would ever do ... um ... ever. Now, he's at a place where he can (and does) make those repairs on a larger scale.

We use those words specifically: you "hurt" so-and-so, you need to "repair" that by putting "love" back into them. Shows that love is a choice and a verb. They watch the other person light up over each little thing.

12:28 PM  
Blogger Ellen said...

Christine- that is very sweet and kind :) Here, the jar would be on my head, the laundry would have bleach-holes & the trash would be in my bed. At our house, I just dial 911. From there, options include the Youth Crisis Shelter and the Mental Health Clinic at our hospital. I am lining up crisis intervention training (for me) because the local police department is not. We do have a therapeutic home with various special needs and lots of healing happens here. It is just a little rough at times.

5:21 PM  
Blogger Hannah_Rae said...

Yup. What Christine said. I am thankful that I am taller and bigger than both my boys, for now, because the aggression really scared me. Thankfully it has disappeared for now.



5:43 PM  
Blogger Rose Adoption Journey said...

WE dial 911 and call the police. NO ONE is allowed to hit in our house. NO ONE! It took two times with the oldest and once with the youngest. They know that if they hit anyone(including animals)the police will be called. One of our finest scared the crap out of #2 and he has been good ever since.
Seriously..that is a NON negotiable. She will end up hitting and hurting as an adult and you wont be around to protect her.

9:19 PM  
Blogger J. said...

I go with the heather Forbes approach of everyone in this house needs to be safe and you can not hurt another person. If you continue to hurt me then ( fill in blank) will happen. In our house that is you will need to go outside and be held or run laps until you are calm, it works most of the time. I have told him that I will call the police but I have not had to do it yet. It is hard, I do make himmake amends when he hurts me and when he is calm we discuss it and make plans for what to do next time he is feeling that angry, I try to remind him of those plans when he is feeling angry or I see him escalating. Good luck

6:30 AM  
Blogger Tina said...

Thanks everyone. You are telling me what I already knew. I sat her down and explained that the police will deal with her if it ever happens again, the moment had passed for a call this time. She cleaned all my kitchen cabinets this morning and they are sparkling clean doors now. I also scheduled her an appointment with her therapist for her to discuss her anger issues, and a public (family) apology for her behavior.

6:17 PM  
Blogger momma-o-minnie said...

Yelling and screaming at a mom is one thing. One might accept that behavior as unacceptable behavior but one that you can repair within the home.
I'm sorry, but at 12 she does know the difference between right and wrong when it comes to hitting - and there is no excuse for this behavior. Heather Forbes has never addressed a 12 year old child who is assaulting - there is no excuse for this child.
If you continue to allow this child to hit, you are allowing her to assault you. You are allowing her to commit a crime - and if she assaults you, she will assault someone else. You could be held responsible for that. You need to draw a line, now.
You need to call the police and have her arrested. Social services will come into play and they will start services such as Residential or other soutside services.
Look - I am going through this right now with my son. I really do know what I am talking about. Do not blow this off. Do not think you can "love" this out of her. Do not think that you are just handling this wrong and you just need to find the one way to talk to her or handle her and she will stop. Abuse is abuse - and she is abusing you!

9:00 AM  

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